How to Avoid Small Talk When Meeting People
This advice is mostly for students and most of it is terrible, so take the parts you like.
When Meeting Adults: A lot of time adults will ask you where you go to school, what your major is, what you want to do after graduation, BLAH BLAH BLAH. It gets really old when you have to repeat the same thing over and over. So what I suggest is carrying around a small laminated card that reads something like “I’m Harris Alterman, I go to the University of Waterloo, I’m majoring in Speech Communication, and while you’re reading this, I’m peeing on your foot.” Only you substitute in your information, and it doesn’t have to be just pee, but whatever creative outlet you want to show them that you don’t give a shit. For example “and while you’re reading this, I’m repeatedly punching your children in the sternum, ask more interesting questions you putz.”
When meeting other students: Student’s ask a lot of the same questions but I find with them you shouldn’t be so harsh because you might actually want to be friends with them, so instead when they ask “Where do you go to school?” one should simply reply “everywhere.” This leaves a bit of mystery and will throw them off guard. When someone asks “What is your major?” reply with something like “Well I’m majoring in Finger-Painting Studies and doing my minor in Boats.” Just something weird that shows you have character and will make you more interesting than the 100 other people who answer the question for real.
Seriously a lot of the time when small talk occurs, both parties know they’re doing it just as a formality, so it’s actually a lot easier than you think to break the barrier and say something like “Hey listen, we both don’t give a shit. Let’s talk about something interesting. Do you think the government knows about aliens and they’re covering it up?” That’s just my take, but you can insert whatever really interests you.