Scrambled Benjamin Button Eggs

27 Nov

I think God messed up.

Why aren’t we created so the best years of your life come at the end? We should age 1-19, and then instead of turning 20, you turn 60, and get your working life out of the way for 30 years until you’re 90. If you were really old during your working years it would be tremendously better. You’re going to get some paid sick days. And a lot of them. Because you’re going to be bed ridden. And LOVING it.  

Then instead of turning 90, you turn 59 and age backward to 21. Instead of depressing retirement homes where old people are crumpled in chairs going, “this applesauce tastes like the war…,” you retire when you’re 30 and retirement homes become more like “Spring Break Homes.” Instead of retiring when you’re old and you have to take pain killers for your back, you retire when you’re young and take pain killers for fun. And then you just spend that last part of your life partying and going to college like “who cares if I fail my classes? I don’t need a degree, I’m retired.” 

And when you die you’re 21. I’ve never been to heaven, but I imagine you are there in the state you died in. So right now, it’s not exactly a place of people you want to hang out with for eternity. Most people are just OLD. You die, go to heaven, and then you go “I’m in so much pain, I just want to die,” but you can’t because you’re already there. Wouldn’t you rather die when you’re 21 and get to heaven and you look good, and you hit the Pearly Gates Bar and take home an angel and have sex? And we all know angels can’t have babies, so no condoms! Doesn’t that sound better than being a wrinkled creature whose only joy in a never-ending existence is that the early bird special at Denny’s in Heaven starts at 4:00pm as opposed to 4:30? 

My point is, I don’t believe in God. The only supreme being I’ll pray to is Benjamin Button because that guy was on to something. 

Image jok


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