Daily Jokes June 27th

27 Jun

Last week I started writing 20 monologue-style jokes a day. My hope is that 2 out of 20 are good. Here is my batch from today:

  1. New York City Mayor Michael Bloomberg is trying to have sparklers banned claiming that they could be used for terrorist attacks. This came after threats were called in for a terrorist attack planned for July 4th at a picnic. 


  1. A Sushi restaurant in New York has banned tipping saying it gives customers a happier experience. If you want to try it, the place is called Sushi Asuda and it’s open never because nobody works there.  


  1. The Harrah’s Cherokee Casino announced they are changing the name of the restaurant in the casino currently called “Paula Deen’s Kitchen.” They want people to forget what happened so they’re thinking of naming it, “The Native American.”  


  1. A group called  “Pull Up Your Pants, Respect Yourself” rallied Kansas City in an attempt to ban people from having baggy pants.  The rally was quickly shut down after police figured out the group was the KKK. 


  1. A group in Wilsonville Oregon was upset by the death of thousands of bees due to pesticide  and organized a memorial service. They say the pain still stings but not as much as when they had never heard of Syria.  


  1.  Britain’s Queen Elizabeth II is getting a five percent raise next year. Many people were shocked when they heard this and said “She gets a salary?” 


  1. Former NBA All-Star Gilbert Arenas was arrested after he was pulled over for speeding and police found his car stocked with illegal fireworks. Police say they have reason to believe Arenas was on his way to carry out an attack on a picnic.  


  1. Maine’s Governor Paul LePage vetoed legislation which included a study  that would have helped state communities prepare for the effects of climate change. LePage said the study is unnecessary and told the people of Maine to “move inwards.” 


  1. Researchers at the University of Oxford found that the color of a utensil, kind of utensil and material of a utensil can all factor into how food tastes in our mouths. So next time you use a silver fork made out of metal, stop and take a moment to think, “Why are people studying this?” 


  1. Brain-training website, Lumosity has named Stanford, California as the smartest city in America. Some cities are offended by this including the mayor of Frankfurt who said, “We’re smart too but we ain’t got internet to prove it.”  


  1. Astronomers have discovered a rare state of matter dubbed “nuclear pasta” which appears to exist only inside ultra-dense neutron stars. Astronomers had theorized about “nuclear pasta” before but none of them dared to enter an “Old Chicago” restaurant.  


  1. Two people who were having sex in a public park ended up getting arrested by 25 cops on bicycles. This became quite the joke at the station because this was the first time an arrest was made by bike cops. 


  1. President Obama spoke about NSA leaker Edward Snowden and said he won’t be scrambling jets to find him. Obama said instead he will be sending in Liam Neeson and John McCain. 


  1. New federal rules are getting rid of unhealthy  vending machine snacks in schools like potato chips and doughnuts and replacing them with healthier foods. This shows a major shift in…wait you get doughnuts in vending machines? 


  1. Recently discovered photos may confirm the resting place of Amelia Earhart. The photos surfaced earlier this month in a tin box in the New Zealand Air Force Museum. The Museum says they are changing their policy of never opening interesting old boxes.  


  1. A two-headed turtle has hatched at the San Antonio Zoo and officials have named her Thelma and Louise. Zoo officials say the name suits the turtle but they keep slipping up and calling her, “THE FUCK IS THAT??” 


  1. Los Angles Lakers center Dwight Howard is reportedly leaving the team to search for something else. Sources say he is already in talks to become a Chicago Bull or a general in the North Korean army. 


  1. Apple is testing out motion control features that will let people control their iPhones by moving their heads. They say the project is moving slowly because everyone working on it is to lazy to work with their hands.  


  1. A couple in California was sent a water bill for $11,000. The couple went down to city hall to complain before they realized they were the entire country of Africa.  


  1. In an attempt to get some attention Martha Stewart appeared on TV last night and talked about her sexting and how she had a threesome and at one point. Sadly her efforts failed because no cares about sex when they would rather watch a crying racist. 


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