Tag Archives: lists

3 Ways to Get Your Resume Noticed by Employers

9 Mar

Are you sick and tired of sending out your resume to employers and never hearing back? Here are some tips to help boost your chances of getting noticed!

1: Make Sure You Include Your Correct Contact Information and a Death Threat.

Double check to make sure that the phone number and email on your resume is correct. Who knows? Maybe you’ve been sending out resumes and people have been trying to contact you but they can’t! Also, think about including a death threat instead of a skills section. Something along the lines of, “If you don’t bring me in for an interview, I will find you and your family and I will end your lives. This is not a joke.” But remember to put it in your own words and to let your personality really shine!

2. Start All of Your Bullet Points with Action Verbs and Make Sure to Include a Photo of the Recruiter’s Family with an X Crossed on it. 

Using action verbs shows the recruiter that you actually know how to do something and that you’re active. Words like” collaborated” and “implemented” are great! Also see if you can get your hands on a photo of the recruiter’s family. Make an X on it, preferably in your own blood! This will show that you took the time to learn about the recruiter’s personal life and will show how much you care about getting the position!

3. Have Someone Else Proofread Your Resume While You Wait Outside the Recruiter’s House With a Gun.

When someone else proofreads your resume, they may find typos that you missed. If your resume has a typo and it gets noticed by the recruiter, they put you directly in the “NO PILE.” While a friend or family member is going over your resume, hide in the bushes outside the recruiter’s house with a loaded handgun.  When they get home from work, jump out and scream at the top of your lungs, ‘WHAT DO I HAVE TO DO TO A GET A FUCKING JOB THESE DAYS?” and then fire some shots in the airs. Put the gun to the recruiter’s temple and make them read your whole cover letter out loud instead of just skimming it like they usually do. If they cry a little, that’s ok, they think their life is in danger! Always end your cover letter by thanking the recruiter for their time and consideration.

It’s hard to get your resume noticed these days with all the competition and all the companies who don’t even take the time to tell you that you weren’t selected. Use these tips and hopefully you’ll be on your way to the dream job you always wanted!




27 Police Jobs that Rank Higher than “Library Cop”

23 May

I was at a library and a “Library Cop” kept giving me a hard time about plugging in my laptop to the wall. He said the cord was obstructing foot traffic – in the geography section. I was upset. Below are 27 police-related jobs that rank higher than library cop. In order.

  1. Cop
  2. Mall Cop
  3. Bathroom Attendant in a Police Station
  4. An editor editing a crime novel
  5. Stay-at-Home Mom
  6. Police Dog
  7. Police Dog Washer
  8. Police Dog who dropped out of police dog school and became a seeing-eye dog for a guy pretending to be blind so he can get money
  9. The security guard in the Mr.Bean movie who got diarrhea
  10. A kid wearing a cop costume on halloween
  11. A kid wearing a cop costume everyday because of poor social skills
  12. A kid wearing a stay-at-home mom costume on halloween
  13. A whore in film noir movie
  14. A Dunkin’ Doughnut’s employee 
  15. Ben Stiller in Starsky and Hutch
  16. The guy who points how ridiculous horse cops are
  17. A dead roadie who set up amps for The Police
  18. Everyone capable of citizen’s arrest
  19. Guys who didn’t make the force and became bouncers.
  20. A girl scout who throws thin mints at homeless people
  21. Denis Leary
  22. The take-a-number machine at a deli
  23. TSA agents
  24. A walnut
  25. A bookshelf
  26. A teakettle 
  27. Bicycle-Built-for-Two Cops
  28. Library Cops





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