Tag Archives: university of waterloo

Greg Stern – Environmentally-Friendly Abusive Father

16 Aug

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First Date

8 Jul

New Study!

10 Sep

A new study has shown that men with smaller testicles tend to be better fathers.
At least that’s what my dad tells me. 

New Research Findings!

18 Jul

A new study shows that the average American man’s penis is 5.6 inches. Another study showed that 90% of American males also want the penis study to be re-done every few days. 

Hi My Name is Blank

29 Apr

Instructions:

1. Fill in the first and last blank with your name

2. Fill in the rest of the blanks with the name of a friend of your’s.

3. Read aloud.

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Hi my name is _____ and I’m a _____. I’ve been _____ for about 3 years now. I lost everything I had when I became a _____. I lost my job, my kids, my wife to _____. I used to tell my wife that I was going out to a movie or something but really I would just go out somewhere and be _____. One night I came home and I smelled like _____. She knew. She just knew. She packed up the kids and left me in an empty house while I sat in the kitchen being _____. Then I stopped showing up for work and when I did go in, I would be _____. I was fired and then things spiraled out of control. I spent all the money I had left on being _____. I would wake up in the afternoon, wear my bathrobe all day and just be _____. My kids showed up and they saw me passed out in the living room being _____. That’s when I knew I needed to change. I don’t want to be a _____ anymore. I want to be me. I want to be _____. 

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Why Mr.Dragon Was Mad

26 Apr

 

It was a quiet evening and Mr. and Mrs. Dragon were sitting down to a nice meal in their cave. Mrs. Dragon had gone to town that day and murdered two innocent villagers for dinner. She then stopped by the farmer’s market to pick up a jar of pesto and some sun-dried tomatoes.

As Mr. and Mrs. Dragon sat across from one another there was a long silence. Mrs. Dragon had been getting on Mr. Dragon’s nerves lately because she made too much noise with her fork. He had repeatedly told her that it was bugging him and she politely corrected her behavior- but only for a bit and then she would forget. Tonight’s silent dinner was filled with more clanking and clinking of her fork than ever before. Mr. Dragon let out a sigh and bit into the pesto-covered villager on his plate.

“How is it?” Mrs. Dragon said with her mouth full.

“Fine. Thank you. Would you mind chewing with your mouth closed?” said Mr. Dragon

“Oh sorry,” Mrs. Dragon said with her mouth full.

“It’s fine. Just-your fork is-never mind,” Mr. Dragon muttered.

A rumbling began to take over Mr. Dragon’s stomach. This was normal if the villager he was eating was still alive during consumption; but the pesto-covered one he had just swallowed had died hours ago and was cooked at 350 degrees by Mrs. Dragon’s fire breathe. The rumbling turned into a sizzle and Mr. Dragon pushed his plate away.

“What’s wrong,” said Mrs. Dragon.

“Something isn’t right,” said Mr. Dragon

“What do you mean?”

“Did you cook this at 350 degrees?”

“Of course.”

Mr. Dragon felt a stinging in his lower abdomen. He had felt this same pain once before and knew exactly what it was.

“Did you give me a gluten-free villager?”

“I don’t know.”

“You know I can’t eat people who were gluten-free. I’m allergic to them. Oh Jesus Shelia now you’ve really done it.”

Mr. Dragon rarely called Mrs. Dragon by her first name so this was a serious situation.

“We don’t know it was a gluten-free villager for sure.”

“Well where did you kill him?”

“Outside of this cool little coffee shop that no one has ever heard of.”

The pesto-covered villager Mr. Dragon had just eaten was definitely gluten-free. Mr. Dragon said nothing because he knew it too. Without another word, Mr. Dragon picked up his plate, walked to the back of the cave, and put it in the sink. Then he went to the bedroom at the front of the cave passing Mrs. Dragon still sitting at the table. Mr. Dragon did not make eye contact. After taking 50mg of Benadryl, Mr. Dragon lay on the bed and stared at the ceiling. He tried to relax but found it difficult. From the other room he could still hear the clinking and clanking of Mrs. Dragon’s fork. 

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Food is a Lie. Maybe.

17 Apr

I have no idea what foods are good for me. I like to think I have a general sense though. Grapes are good. Butter is bad. But who knows? The only reason I have an idea of what is good and what is bad is because of what other people have told me. When I was a kid my parents told me to “eat wheat bread because it’s good for you.” And I did. Why? Because it had fiber and I was told that fiber was good for you. However, I still don’t know what exactly fiber is. But I was told it was good for me by people that I trusted.

My food knowledge was pumped into my brain similar to how some kids have religion pumped in. When you’re young, your mind is vulnerable. When your mind is vulnerable, you accept what people put in there. Lucky for me I was only told to drink milk and not “the blood of Christ.” (Which I hear is good for your heart. But who knows?)

When I realized my nutrition knowledge was crummy, I decided to do some research. However, this didn’t seem to help. Every bit of information that I found had an opposing view. One researcher says eggs are good for you. Another researcher says eggs are bad for you. Another researcher says egg cause cancer. Another researcher says eggs are good for you if the mother was a Gemini. I didn’t know who to believe.

After doing some research, even some of my deepest food beliefs were debunked. I had always believed that whole grain was good for you. However, many researchers were claiming that the health benefits of whole grain were a myth. Whole grain had betrayed me. Whole grain had told me I was good person because I looked Wonder Bread in the face every week at the grocery store and said, “I don’t care if you taste better, I’m going with the grainy guy.” Whole grain was a lie. Maybe. Because other researchers still supported the glory of whole grain.

If researchers can’t decide on what is healthy, then I don’t think I can either because I’m not going to put as much time into research as they do. I think I’ll just survive on water from now on because I’m pretty sure water is good for you. And if I find out it’s not, then God is real and I’ll switch to drinking the blood of Christ. It’s definitely good for your heart.

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